Drive Time Improvements

In the category of stupid shit you can make at home to make your life easier, I submit the following. The first is a solution to a problem that has plagued multitudes for several years - the Red Bull koozie. That's right folks. Who among the Red Bull addicted has not cursed the Swiss jerk who came up with the mini-can? I mean, it's bad enough that the damned thing costs two bucks or more for half of what you get in a normal drink, but they at least could have made it the standard width so as to accommodate drink holders. Europeans. Les Idiots. But, ever the tinkerer, I have the solution. Here's the finished product...




Yes, simple, I know, but very effective. To construct one of these yourself, you'll need scissors and some duct tape. First, you remove the bottom of the koozie. This can be delicate, so have a couple of extras on hand. Then, cut the cylinder of the koozie. Next you wrap the koozie around a Red Bull can - preferably full - the empty ones can give a little too much during the measurement phase. You stretch the koozie a bit and mark where you need to make the next cut. The stretch assures a snug fit in the finished product - a loose koozie, I cannot abide. Then you cut off the extra, making sure to cut at somewhat the same angle as the first cut. Obvs.

Next comes the duct tape. Applying the duct tape properly is the key to the longevity of your new koozie. You first apply a strip on the outside, being careful to keep the seam as close to the middle as possible. Then, and this is a tip I learned the hard way with my initial prototype, you place a strip of tape on the inside with enough extra to fold a little over onto the outside at the top and bottom. When you only tape the outside, the tape has a tendency to give over time, resulting in a loose and sticky koozie. (No, thanks!) And it's key to apply the inside strip last so that the overlap is on the outside. This eliminates the can's getting hung on the excess while it is on the way in or out of the koozie. Good design is about subtlety. That's it.

You can now slug Red Bulls going down the highway knowing that you'll never spill a drop. And if you happen to get interrupted before finishing your Bull, you know it'll be nice and cool when you get back to it. Incidentally, I gave a few of these away as Christmas gifts. Smiles for miles.

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Next up is a little more sinister, but every bit as useful, device. I call it the HOV Dummy. This one is for those "emergencies" when you just have to drive in the HOV lane but you don't have a passenger. For you country folk, the HOV lane is the lane for High Occupancy Vehicles. While the rest of the one-passenger vehicles are standing still on the interstate, vehicles with multiple passengers are cruising along in their own linear oasis of constant movement. I came up with this one after I read Malcolm Gladwell's, Blink, and I realized that cops looking to bust HOV offenders are thin slicing. They're glancing at cars as they go by, looking for broken silouettes above the front passenger seats. If they see one on the passenger side, they move on the next car. Here's the finished product...



Yes, I know, brilliant. And Rudy is not chosen arbitrarily. Should I get busted with my HOV Dummy (yeah, right), I'm hoping the cop has a good sense of humor. And what cop doesn't like Rudy Giuliani? You see, even in my dastardly pursuits, I'm leveraging what I know about human nature. Anyhow, making this one is fun for the whole family.

First, you pick your companion. This has to be done carefully. As a married guy, I can't pick someone like Pammy - what if someone I know saw me? The wife would object. No, it has to be a guy. And it can't be some young kid, cause then I'm up to no good. I'm left with middle aged men. In that case, Rudy is the natural choice. Plus, he and I can talk politics and whatnot. Good stuff.

Aaaanyway, with your companion chosen, go to Google Images and type his or her name in. Be sure to choose the "Large Pictures" option so you get one with some decent resolution. You then find one the one you like and save it your computer. From there, you'll need some kind of image processing software. There are free ones that will do what you need. You just want to adjust the size of the image so that you can get a good 8x10 print out of it - color is preferred, though not mandatory. You should, however, try to use some thicker paper, like photo paper - it holds up well over time. Then comes the fun of cutting out the head. Man, it takes me back to the gun ranges in the Army. Ahh, memories.

Anyhow, you have a couple of options for the final step. You can simply affix a piece of duct tape to the back, a piece curled around on itself so as to be sticky on all sides. With that, you just smack it on whenever you need it. Just be sure to keep an eye on your stickiness factor. There's nothing worse than an HOV Buddy that won't stick in a bad traffic jam. Trust me. Or, you can get a little more sophisticated and get yourself some elastic string and affix a loop to the sides of the back of the head - a la your typical Halloween mask. Then, you just wrap it around the seat back. It's a tradeoff, really.

With the first, you get optimum silouette breakage; with the second, you get worry-free durability. In the end, it comes down to personal preference. Finally, I should mention that I'm working on some improvements with this one. Currently, the design is effective in head-on and from-the-rear scenarios. However, the side view is still problematic. For this, I'll be incorporating a profile component. This will be a bit tougher design-wise, due to the need for some sort of structural piece jutting out from the seat back to hold the profile in the proper position. I may use cardboard. I'll keep you posted.

So there you go - two items you can make right in your own home that are guaranteed to improve your life. Enjoy, and let me know how you like them.